Attention Timmy, God Really IS Watching You Masturbate

Kate Gosselin Hates Her Children

Watch how uber-diva Kate Gosselin digs deep into her maternal instincts when 8 year old Mady asks her for water. What does she do? Well she asks for water, of course. And then proceeds to drink it in front of the girl, and put it down with a smirk on her face. She later realized her mistake when Mady protests and gives her the water. And by "gives her the water" I do mean she reaches down to get it and decides teasing the child is much better, putting the bottle back down and claiming there is not time for the little girl to drink. DANCE PUPPET DANCE! Momma needs a new Louis Vitton.

It shouldn't take much to understand why her husband cheated on her with the first drunk chick he found. The woman is a Succubus who probably has more stretch marks than the corners of Paris Hilton's mouth.

Betty White Is Cool

What's funnier than Jimmy Fallon? Anything. But what's cooler than Betty White chugging a beer and chuckling to herself while Captain Laughathimself gets his 12 minutes of fame? Nothing.

Song of the Day: Elefant - Misfit

People A Bus Should Hit: Isaiah Washington

In a recent interview with Larry King, Isaiah Washington was asked about a confrontation with a co-star while on the set of Grey's Anatomy, and his flippant use of the word "faggot":

That’s when Washington said “a lot of things I’m not really proud of.”

“I said several bad words,” he recalled, quoting himself as telling Dempsey: “There’s no way you’re going to treat me like the B-word, the P-word or the F-word.”

He said that the “F-word” was not meant as an anti-gay slur, but implied “somebody who is being weak.” Washington also strongly denied he ever directed the word at gay costar T.R. Knight.

“I am not homophobic in no way, shape or form,” said Washington.

As for Knight claiming the slur was directed at him, Washington said, “That’s a lie. He misrepresented himself.” Washington suggested Knight did that to advance his career and get more money. “He has been very disappointed in playing the character he has been playing. He told me that,” said Washington.

But Washington said he felt badly about repeating the slur backstage at the Golden Globe Awards. “I wish I could take that back,” Washington said.

He also apologized for calling that guy at Starbuck's the T-word, H-word, L-word, and D-S-M-F-A-C words back to back. But when you ask for no foam, that's what you expect. The only person that hates gays more than this douche is Ted Haggard after he found out that a Whistle Blower isn't something you can pay that guy on the corner $50 to do to you in a Motel 6.

News You Should Know, June 12

Baby brought to Safed hospital high on marijuana
By Eli Ashkenazi, Haaretz Correspondent

A one-and-a-half-year-old boy high on marijuana was brought to a children's intensive care unit for treatment on Thursday, after his parents noticed that he was overly sleepy, apathetic and walking unsteadily.

"The baby arrived at the hospital with his mother after repeated unsuccessful attempts on her part to wake him," said Dr. Yuri Viener, head of the children's intensive care unit at Ziv Medical Center in Safed.

The baby, who lives with his family in a northern Galilee community, underwent multiple tests after doctors suspected he ingested a toxic substance, and a urine test revealed evidence of marijuana in the boy's system.

The boy, who received respiratory treatment, along with Oxygen and fluids, woke up after five hours and is in stable condition.

Dr. Viener said it is rare that a baby would be exposed to large amounts of narcotic substances, but that even minimal exposure can cause respiratory problems, including cessation of breathing.

He stressed that parents must be extremely cautious with children of all ages when it comes to dangerous substances at home
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Afterwards, the baby and the doctor demolished a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and talked about how the wall on the Gaza Strip is such a downer, man.

Jay-Z Is For The People...

I recently had a good talk with my old friend Jay-Z, during which I thanked him for the millionth time for keeping Beyonce away from a studio for as long as he could. Beyonce, be it looks or music, is what would happen if Scary Spice and Brooke Hogan had sex. And because Brooke has a penis, that's not too hard to imagine.

I digress. Mr. -Z informed me that he has taken a stand against the Auto-Tune movement in R&B and Rap, decrying it's death. What is Auto-Tune you ask? Well imagine if Johnny-5, for a high school project, spent a year in a studio recording himself telling us how awesome he is, how much money he spends, and threatening to "put it on you." Now imagine Kanye copied Johnny's idea and turned it in before #5 could, sullying the fine name of that lovable robot. Kanye sucks like that.

So there you have it. Jay-Z is sick and tired of it, and wrote the song "DOA" to explain his feelings. He basically tells us, "I never want to hear another monotone voice and repetitive substance over and over."

He then goes on to remind how us how great he is, how many cars he owns, how much money he spent on his necklace and what it's like to bang that pop clone.



Silly Rappers.

Vince Young Is Helping The Case of The Bell Curve

In a recent ESPN interview, Vince Young proved that his Wonderlic score of 6 was not a fluke, it was a career highlight. Say what you will about him, but he is living proof that if you are in an athlete in college, your two available majors are “Avoidance of STDs from that White Chick Who Digs Black Guys Just To Piss Her Dad Off” and “Semantics: The Art of Denying That Your New 2,700 sq/ft Home and Escalade In No Way Came From The Athletic Department.”

Here is the transcript from the interview, translated into White for all my readers from the Hamptons.:

Interviewer: You recently said that if you can’t play with the Tennessee Titans you want to go somewhere where you can play. What did you mean by that?

Vince Young: I'm sayin’ is, you know I'm ready to play football. I'm comparative, and I don't know what NFL player around the lee don't wants to play or be a starter. So what I'm sayin is dat I’m ready to play ball. And if it's not here and in my next two years dat I’m not going to play here than I’m telling guys around the lee dat I’m ready to play football. Dat's basically what I’m saying compared to whatever everyone else was sayin. You know, takin' it out of text, sayin he ready to be traded, he want to leave the Tennessee Titans. No that's not what I’m sayin I’m sayin I’m ready to play football and if I don't get a shot again to play here than obviously I’m not gonna be here.

Interviewer: In your heart do you want to a part of the Tennessee Titans?

Vince Young: Oh yeah I definitely want to be a Tennessee Titans. Once I signed my name and dotted on that dotted line that I’m a Tennessee Titans, committed to the team dat’s what I am until otherwise. it not fun being a backup, I’m not gonna sit up here and lie to you about dat you know, cuz I definitely like I said I wanna play. I wanna be starting, I wanna be running, I wanna be taking doz blows for my teammates , standing in dat pocket, and deliver dat pass down de field taking dat hit, or comin out bleeding or...dat pain. You know. I… I wanna be out der doin dat with dem guys, but you know, um, gotta be patient, gotta be, I…I…I…I gotta be patient right naw.

And now, The Above 12 I.Q. Translation:

Vince Young: Listen, people were saying I don’t want to be here if I can’t start, and that’s just not the case. The point I was trying to make was that if I can’t get significant playing time, such as in a starting position, than I’m prepared to not play here because I don’t want to be here. So you can clearly see how that’s different, and how all the rumors started.

Vince Young: Despite my comment less than 5 seconds ago, of course I want to be a single member of the Tennessee Titans and not a pluralized form of one person. I signed that contract, which I couldn’t read, because my agent promised me a week’s supply of Snack Packs for scribbling on that line with the tiny Post-It note next to it. Seemed like a fair deal at the time. But man, I don’t want to be on the bench. I want to be on the field, constantly proving the media right and reminding myself that just because I can run fast doesn’t really mean shit. I want to eventually be sacked 14 times a game, have 1:4 TD/Int ratio, relishing in the fact that most mentally retarded people don’t get paid millions of dollars to do so. But I just have to hold on and be patient, because I think we all now that Snack Pack delivery should be coming any day now.