In case you haven't seen it, Bill Maher recently took a jab (or six or seven) at President Obama and his apparent desire to maintain popularity and its effect on his leadership. Now, I'm not foolish enough to believe that there is an immediate fix to most of our problems, and I think Maher is playing up on that a bit, but the facts are the facts. And for the most part, he's dead right. See Lousiana, it's ok to disagree with a black man without a rope and a flaming cross involved!
Bill Maher Jabs Obama During "New Rules" - 6/12/09
Bill Maher Discusses His Comments w/ Wolf Blitzer - 6/17/09
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Baseball Players Have No Marbles...
The latest story of injury out of the MLB is that pitcher Kyle Farnsworth is out for a while after his dog bit him, with the bite reportedly "going deep enough to hit a tendon but not tear it." (Insert your own going deep and not tearing joke here).
Seriously, your dog bit you? YOUR dog? Just one look at sports sites shows that the MLB is clearly full of porcelain babies, hurting themselves in a variety of ways that would make pre-Anne Sullivan Hellen Keller laugh.
-Running into a wall
- Stiff neck
- Slipping on the kitchen floor
- Turning a lamp switch on too hard
You never hear about these kind of things in other sports. Hell, Tiger Woods walked 91 holes with a torn ACL and nary said a word. But a baseball player has too much pulp in his orange juice and its out for 15 days. I haven't seen this many grown men cry since NAMBLA found out the Suite Life was cancelled.
America Is Ridiculous...
In a move that will surely result in half of unemployed degree-holders in the U.S. invest in a gun, one bullet and a lot of Windex, LG hosted its annual Texting Championships, handing $50,000 to a 15 year old girl from Iowa. As the story goes:
This year's champ, 15-year-old Kate Moore of Des Moines, Iowa, took the title, but her path to victory was not without some serious obstacles. Literally.
LG, in a nod to texters' dangerous tendency to multi-task, forced contestants to run an obstacle course while sending difficult-to-type messages, and compose tongue twisters while being taunted by a giant emoticon. We can't make this stuff up. The event climaxed in a tie-breaker, with Moore and runner up Dynda Morgan, a 14-year-old from Savannah, Georgia, furiously texting this behemoth SMS:
"Zippity Dooo Dahh Zippity Ayy...MY oh MY, what a wonderful day! Plenty of sunshine Comin' my way....Zippitty Do Dah Zippity Aay! WondeRful Feeling Wonderful day!"
Moore beat her younger competitor to the "send" button, and walked away with $50,000 for her troubles -- and a life-long excuse for not putting down her phone during dinner.
I can only imagine that after this girl is done blowing $50,000 on Twilight underwear from Target and High School Musical 3 ringtones, she will only have to look forward to every boy in school begging for an HJ. Who cares if she looks like Kelly Clarkson's fatter little sister, magic fingers are magic fingers.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Ochocinco Wants to be Carson Palmer's Balki
In a move no one expected, nor cared about, Chad Egotisticalbastard has announced he is moving in with his QB Carson Palmer. Chad explains that he expects to become closer to Palmer and develop chemistry to get the season started, finishing by saying, "Plus dem white folks is craaazy!!!!"
Don't be surprised if Ochocinco is in cuffs soon because some Cincinatti police officer went all Minority Report having known a black man would invade a good white home. More to come...
Obama Shows His Pimp Hand
President Obama reminds us he will not tolerate minor annoyances and interruptions when he speaks. And then he treats that fly like Bill O'Reilly treats a fact: he erases its existence and moves on.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Football Is Murder
Literally, if you're Donte Stallworth:
MIAMI -- Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte' Stallworth took full responsibility for killing a pedestrian while driving drunk in Florida and began serving a 30-day jail sentence Tuesday after he pleaded guilty to DUI manslaughter.
Stallworth also reached a confidential financial settlement to avoid a potential lawsuit from the family of 59-year-old Mario Reyes, according to Stallworth attorney Christopher Lyons. Reyes was struck and killed March 14 by Stallworth, who was driving his black 2005 Bentley after a night drinking at a swanky hotel bar.
Stallworth, 28, told Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Dennis Murphy that he hopes to get involved in drunken driving education programs.
"I accept full responsibility for this horrible tragedy," said Stallworth, who was accompanied at the hearing by his parents, siblings and other supporters. "I will bear this burden for the rest of my life."
Stallworth faced 15 years in prison. After his release from jail, Stallworth must serve two years of house arrest and spend eight years on probation.
The NFL has said it will review the matter for possible disciplinary action. Lyons said the plea agreement will allow Stallworth to resume his football career.
Stallworth must also undergo drug and alcohol testing, will have a lifetime driver's license suspension and must perform 1,000 hours of community service. Lyons said after five years, Stallworth could win approval for limited driving such as for employment.
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Listen, kudos to Stallworth for not running away and owning up to the fact that he made a grave mistake. Good thing he had a cool couple million to pay off the family and resolve this matter. Any normal person would spend the next 15 years of their life wondering if there's a rotating door in his ass.
Seriously, Big Jake is gentle but the man is insatiable in his needs.
Her Big Day Is Almost Here...
Emphasis on the big. This woman expects her bridesmaids to be over 2oo pounds or they don't get in. I assume it is so she will appear to be a luxurious 198. Here's to hoping the church has double doors, a reinforced altar, and someone to remind them that communion is not Latin for buffet.
Monday, June 15, 2009
People A Bus Should Hit: Wendy Partillo & The St. Lucie County School Board
Democracy Is Alive!!! A Florida teacher, Wendy Portillo, who had her class vote out a child with Asperger’s Syndrome, has been voted back into her job by the St Lucie County School Board. Oh righteous day.
In May of 2008, Ms. Portillo conducted a reality TV-like exercise in which 5 year old Alex Barton was forced to stand in front of the class while his classmates listed reasons they didn’t like him. Alex was referred to, among other things, as “disgusting” and “annoying.” The class then took a vote to exclude Alex from the class, with a final tally of 14-2 voting in favor. Alex was forced to leave his class and spend the rest of the day in the school nurses’s office. As a result, Portillo was suspended from teaching for one year without pay and her tenure was revoked.
However, Portillo appealed and the St. Lucie County School Board decided Wednesday to affirm her suspension, which lasts until November, but reinstate Portillo’s tenure upon her return. Portillo is guaranteed a teaching position with the school district at the end of her suspension, reports WPTV, the West Palm Beach, Fla. NBC affiliate.
Barton reportedly has not returned to school since the incident. His mother has said that he is so traumatized that she cannot drive past his former elementary school without Alex screaming and begging not to be made to go back to school.
Douche of the Day: The U.S. Military
Let's skip pointing fingers at individuals and generalize this: The higher-ups in the military are cool with invading an area that doesn't want to be and shooting away, unless that area is another man's ass. Selective Service has taken a whole new meaning:
The U.S. Air Force has spent an estimated $25 million training combat pilot Lt. Col. Victor Fehrenbach but is about to discharge him involuntarily because he is gay. Born of military-officer parents, Fehrenbach has earned 30 awards and decorations, with tours flying F-15Es in Kosovo, Afghanistan and Iraq, and was one of the elite fighters called on to patrol the air space over Washington, D.C., on Sept. 11, 2001. [Dayton Daily News, 5-28-09]
Also about to be discharged solely for being gay is Army infantry officer Daniel Choi, a West Point graduate and Arabic speaker, who would be (based on a 2005 Government Accounting Office report) at least the 56th gay Arabic linguist to be dismissed from the U.S. military since the first terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in 1993. [ABC News, 5-13-09; New York Times, 3-29-09]
You Stay Classy L.A.
Jose: Dey won, mang. What do we do?
Julio: Throw dis brick through that weendow.
Tre'vance: Then we'll hit some white women and punch a cop!
Nothing says celebration like rioting in the streets after your hometown basketball team won a gold plated paperweight. L.A. fans responded accordingly to another successful sporting year by looting stores, starting fires and throwing bottles at cops, sending 8 police officers to the hospital. Reports say the rioting went on well into the evening, and most likely would have continued into the morning but for the city planning ahead and scheduling all parole check-ins to coincide with the Welfare Office opening.
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