Heidi Got Shampoo In Her Eyes...

Heidi Montag, known for her portrayal of a real person role on "The Hills" and for letting that dude on the left put his dangle in her tata, has reportedly quit NBC's "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here" after 1 episode due to a barrage of attacks from fellow castmates. They reportedly ripped off the labels on her shampoo and pointed and laughed at her. As if that wasn't enough, they called her Doody-Head and wouldn't let her take a counter-shot for her cooties.



I'm not even sure why this is a big deal. If the name of the show is "...Get Me Out of Here," shouldn't Douche and Mrs. Douche win some kind of prize for a first round knockout? Who knew all it took was a terrorist attack on a bottle of Pert Plus to send this maniac over the edge?

Rumor is she flipped out like this because she didn't have the MTV crew around to tell her what to do and say. Now these vicious bastards in the form of F-List celebrities come along and rip off the Rinse and Repeat directions? This is the kind of suffering the Pope is going to deny ever existed in 60 years.

If I was told I had to kill Santa in front of an orphanage or else Heidi would go on living, I'd send a bouquet of flowers and some soft batch cookies to extend my condolences to those little brats. God love 'em, nobody else seems to.

Music Review: Manchester Orchestra - Mean Everything To Nothing

At first listen, Manchester United was what I had been looking for, lately, out of an indie band. It seems there are too many droll voiced groups relying on sparse instrumentation these days, and the entire indie "movement" has really become a bunch of copycats. Granted, I'm a little turned off by the scene right now, so my head full of steam is most likely a bit aggressive. There are plenty of groups/artists that can take the simple and under-produced sound and make it go for miles - see any M Ward production for proof. But even a great thing gets old if you hear it too much.

Enter a relatively new rock group from Atlanta. What really got my attention was the voice of lead singer Andy Hull, who was (for the most part) a vast departure from what I had begun to get accustomed to. This is a band that loves to build upon a basic melody and end their songs with guitars crunching and cymbals crashing, as in the stand-out track "I've Got Friends." In this way they are very similar to Silversun Pickups; one could even venture that the distorted vibe of the guitars could be a kissing cousin to the aforementioned. But I feel this band is best described as a mix between the angst of Lovedrug and the playful storytelling of The Format. Hull even has the desperate voice of Lovedrug's Michael Shepard; and much as it does the same for Shepard, it brings a sense of urgency to the Manchester Orchestra songs.

Meaning Everything To Nothing is not a perfect album. Manchester Orchestra sometimes gets lost in their anything-but-formulaic ways and it can bring an unnecessary weight to songs that are already bogged down by somewhat drab melodies/lyrics. Overall, though, this is a good album to dive into if you are looking to move on from your Conor Oberst melancholy mood for a while.

Best Tracks: Shake It Out, I've Got Friends, I Can Feel A Hot One
Rating: Shuffle Songs

The Movie Pre-Review Extravaganza, Part 1

Drag Me To This Poor Excuse For A Movie

I recently ran into Sam Raimi while having lunch in the C-Actor's Cafe in Sheboygan. It was pleasant afternoon as I had a prime seat next to the Bruce Campbell wax figure. I later learned, in my conversation with Sam, that it was actually Bruce Campbell himself standing very still while he allowed Mr. Raimi to diddle him with a plastic spork. Apparently this is the penance for keeping his only-worth-a-cameo life relevant for the past 15 years.

After telling me what all knew, though, I decided to ask Raimi the tough questions over a pumpkin spiced half decaf, quarter caf, 1/3 chai, orange peeled mocha frappalattiatto. I then tied him to a chair, poured the $48 drink on his crotch and Jack Bauered him into an answer to the only things on the public's mind:

Why are you making Thinner 2 and who do you work for?

Sam died May 17th, 2009. He lived a long and...cult-followed life.

Raimi's new movie, Drag Me To Hell, is the story of Christine, an attractive up and coming bank employee (Alison Lohman, whom you may remember as the runner up in the Who Isn't As Talented as Evan Rachel Wood pageant) who is dead set on living the perfect life with her Mac (Justin Long) in suburbia. The only problem is the crazy-eyed bitch who shows up on a Tuesday. And this is where it all goes awry.

What? No, not the situation for the girl. The movie. You see, the bank is frequented by a gypsy man (Paul Sorvino) who feels he needs revenge after the deat...oh. Whoops. No. There's nothing that good. This bank only has a crazy old hag constantly asking for a loan extension. This is such a common occurrence that Christine's boss tells her if she gets rid of the lady, the promotion she's been seeking is hers. Of course, when she does, the lady goes all Evil Queen of the Forest on her and summons the hounds of Hell. REALLY??????

So let me see if I can wrap my mind around this.

Girl works hard for promotion.
Lady can't pay mortgage, begs bank for help for the umpteenth time.
Girl uses common sense and declines.
Girl goes to Hell.

What happened to the days of grotesque people deserving this? Now we have to sit for two hours and believe that some tired, leprous whore can just go around throwing bricks and filling up the bus to Satan's playground because she is too irresponsible to pay her bills? Here's an idea, stop spending so much money on Ear of Toad and Tongue of Gnewt and throw it into a Money Market account. Hell, you've probably blown half your rent on the cab rides to and from the bank, you Dark Magic Moron. But no, you've been slighted. How dare this charming, career minded woman dare call you out on your inability to live a normal life taking care of your responsibilities? TO HELL WITH THEM ALL!!!

Can you imagine if Sauron had only wanted to replace Jell-O with some money-saving brand instead of destroying Middle Earth? No, you can't, because you're not retarded. I mean, what if Michael Douglas only went on a rampage because his nameplate was copper and not bronze? Or if Venom only hated Spider-Man enough to only show up in the last 12 minutes? Is that what you want for us, Sam?

The point is, this dumb bitch throws out curses like she's picking petals off a daisy and we are supposed to believe she had the right. Phooey. This movie would have been more watchable if they had just shown footage of lettuce farms in Mexico.

Ratings
Dropped Popcorn Kernels: 8 out of 132

The Only Thing Worse Than "Twilight" Is a Hungarian Enema...And Other Ramblings

Want to know how your movie is the worst thing to happen to pop culture since Macaulay Culkin decided to hang out with older guys?

Win an MTV Movie Award...or 23 of them. Nothing says Validity like a bunch of tweens fresh off of crying through the last episode of "Made: I Want To Be The Next Girl Taken Advantage Of By The Backup Quarterback" voting for your movie.

Needing to understand this phenomenon, and as a man who only deals in principle and fact, I did what any person who needs facts would do. Wikipedia. Twilight is the story of a girl and a vampire boy who dabbles in stalking while reprising his role as...wait. Are we seriously that hard up for mediocre literature since Harry Potter off and knocked up that ginger kid's sister?

The only thing emptier than Twilight's plot was O.J.'s hand after he dropped the knife. If I wanted a story of a legendary group of villains losing their balls I would read the story of the 2004 Yankees. And yes, by balls I did mean testicles.
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Lebron James recently solidified his reign as King James by losing in the Eastern Conference Finals and bolting to the locker room immediately. When asked about his hasty retreat, he claimed he had to because "He is a winner." The last time someone named King James confused the people this much, the Gutenberg Press made a ton in royalties.

Sure, the NBA and NHL are providing tons of drama as they narrow down to their respective championships, but let's not forget the most important of all sporting events that recently "went down."
The Scripps National Spelling Bee. And with that...

Since when did the Midwest become New New Delhi? There were so many Indian kids on stage that, when asked to use the word pungent in a sentence, the judge said "The smell of curry in this place is so pungent, I can't breathe."

I can only imagine the amount of words I could spell if I had 54 consonants in my name as well. Unfortunately, all these kids won was a chance to look better than the lone nerdy, white home-schooled kid. That's like Michael J. Fox bragging about beating an aftershock on the Richter scale.

When will Shandaverishkitalpalpindar Pondarakitopolafordilankajarshebosh learn that the only way to fame is through American game shows? Then and only then will you reach your undeserved 15 minutes of fame. Now don't you have (insert random setting) to group dance at before monsoon season?