Pop Culture...Now With 50% Less Culture!

Here’s some news: Miley Cirus had to abandon the pole and don clothes actually fit for a 16 year old that isn’t a whore being banged by a 22 year old guy to attend the funeral of one of her tour crew. He passed away when the bus he was on flipped over.

Billy Ray was unable to comment, as he was busy doing coke off the ass of the accountant he paid to add up the royalties he is currently living off. He’s got to be the luckiest man in the world. His only contributions to society are a song Toby Keith would be ashamed of and knocking up Miley’s mom.

I don’t much about the Antichrist, but this douche is getting my vote. At this point he might as well have a love child with Rupert Murdoch and force NBC to revive “Cavemen.”

The most worthwhile thing he’s done was the last time he took a shit, and that will run a distant second to his inevitable heart attack from the fine dining at Waffle House.

New Moon was released last week to only slight better reviews than Obama’s acceptance speech on the KKK blogs. That didn’t stop the masses of slightly retarded 4^th graders and 43 year old women who have never been touched by a man.

It seems New Moon broke the box office record for opening day sales, proving that fat, tween, goth girls aren’t only about spiked bracelets and diddling themselves to fan-fiction blogs of Charmed.

I think each one of us can all learn a lesson from this though. Namely, Roman Polanski.

Honestly, had he waited a couple decades, all he would have had to do was dip his cock in Elmer’s Glue, pour on a pound of glitter, fix some plastic fangs to the tip and wait outside of the Roanoke Cineplex 17 on Friday night. Fantasy fulfilled.

But what’s it about, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you.

A bipolar chick who plays baseball with sparkly vampires and gets off on the fact that her boyfriend can smell her menstruating from a mile away. Oh yeah, and werewolves.

Yep, sparkly vampires and shirtless guys who turn into werewolves and have homoerotic slap fights. Seriously. If this series were any gayer Adam Lambert would hump it on stage while imitating the sound of a thousand cats cooking in an oven.

Speaking of Seacrest’s new secret desire, Lambert has created a firestorm with his controversial performance on the American Music Awards. It seems 3 minutes of putrid singing about date rape and simulated sex on stage was more than viewers could handle. But even worse was his screeching singing. It was so bad that Paula Abdul sobered up long enough to say something rational. She then collapsed into a coma from all the stress.

Lambert has pretty solidified his place as the gay guy that no gay people want to be associated with. He’s such an embarrassment that the kid in Arkansas said “fuck it,” stood up and recited the pledge as loud as he could.

Even Lady GaGa wasn’t impressed, saying “I wouldn’t even do that homo with my dick.”

Meanwhile, who forgot to clean the floors on stage at this joke of an Awards show? During performances, both J Lo and Lambert fell faster than their respective careers.

That’s saying something, as Jenny From The Block made a career out of being the huge-assed hired help who struck it big. Let’s face it, the only reason Lopez ever had a chance was because an actual talented Spanish chick died. Well, that and she made it over the fence before Lupe.

Man, watching J Lo try to sing is worse than watching Yakoff Smirnov and Yahoo Serious jerk each other off for 10 minutes.

Yakov: In Communist Russia, the Barbie puts the shrimp on you!

Yahoo: Crikey!

No, really, seeing her portray Selena was like watching Bush portray a real President for 8 years. Because, face it, when it comes to biopics, the Presidency, and fulfilling negative stereotypes, blacks do it better.

Just ask Kanye. Don’t know where to find him? Just give an award to Ted down the street for Best Soul Food and wait 5 minutes. You’ll be able to tell he’s close by the stench of Hennessey and sudden rise in auto-tune.

I’m out.

Song of the Day: Bob Schneider - Madeline

Stephen Jackson Is Confused

Stephen Jackson is done with the Warriors. In an interview with Dime Magazine, Jackson stated: "At this point, I'm 31 years old. I have four or five years left. "I want to be in a situation where I can continually be in the playoffs and get another ring. So that's where my mind is at now."

Ok, I get it so far.

" Golden State Warriors forward Stephen Jackson says he has requested a trade and prefers to be dealt to the Cleveland Cavaliers or any of the NBA's three teams in Texas."

All right, he's on the border of being a ring-chaser, but it could be worse.

Jackson said he would be open to returning to the Spurs but would also welcome a trade to the Dallas Mavericks or Houston Rockets.

Ummm...

He also mentioned Al Harrington's New York Knicks.

Wait. I think its safe to say that Stephen Jackson officially has Athlete's Alzheimer's. It's also safe to say that that was witty alliteration. I can allow Dallas, as Cuban is trying to make moves. But Houston is in a bit of a quandry and the Knicks are...well, the Knicks. I'm more likely to win a championship for "Most Irrelevant Blog" before New York wins anything other than Spike Lee's disdain. What's next, Stephen? You want to be traded for a few more million because you are worried about your family? I know, it must be rough eating Prime Rib on authentic China and then using the dishes as hockey pucks because, hey, you can afford it.

It's like the great Red Auerbach said, "Shut the fuck up." Or maybe that was Young Jeezy, they are so easily confused. Much like you when it comes to the term "contender."

Soc-karate

I have a large group of friends who claim that soccer is boring and has no merits that make it worth watching. But when's the last time you watched a member of the Baltimore Raven's last few minutes on earth because he ran a fumble into his own endzone? Or better yet, how often does Ralph Macchio's stunt double end the game with a handshake Chuck Norris would be proud of?



Thanks to The Sporting News for the video.

Michael Jordan's Still Got It

(courtesy of The Hoop Doctors)

Michael Jordan, at the ripe old age of 46, gives Streetball star Chris "The Ghetto Bird" Young a a close up look at the fact that he hasn't quite lost his touch. No news on whether the Oklahoma City Thunder have asked him to suit up yet.

Song of the Day: Fleet Foxes - Mykonos

Rumer Willis Is A Natural Beauty

In what appears to be Bruce Willis' second attempt at destroying the world by creating something hideous (the first being Hudson Hawk, obviously), he has allowed his daughter Rumer to not only grow up but to leave the house.

Seriously, the only explanation for how ugly she is is that Demi Moore's vagina is actually a taffy puller that broke up this demon spawn's exit.

I'm Out Of Commission

So I am a recent victim of a "bug" that has forced all liquids and solids to abandon ship. But I will be back in full force tomorrow. For now, enjoy these clips that sum up my day.

Lady GuyGuy?

Lady Gaga, the biggest succubus in the music industry at this moment, is finally catching up to hers...um, I mean himself? Rumors are spreading across the internet that she is actually a he. Well, to be accurate, she is a he/she. The wildfire spread after a concert in Glastonbury:



It has even commented on this speculation, stating:

"Its not something that I'm ashamed of, just isn't something that i go around telling everyone. Yes. I have both male and female genitalia, but i consider myself a female," she reportedly wrote in a blog back in December 2008.

"I think this is a great opportunity to make other multiple gendered people feel more comfortable with their bodies. I'm sexy, I'm hot."

As talentless and ugly as she is, this wouldn't surprise me in the least. Because honestly, the only time I've ever really paid attention to Lady Gaga was the moment she tried to steal the ring back from Frodo.

Sarah Palin Is Nucking Futs

One thing Sarah Palin hasn't quit is being a maverick. Of course, this is only true if you define maverick as parading your down syndrome baby around as an example for why the government wants to kill him and your grandma. In a facebook post, Palin wrote:


The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s “death panel” so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their “level of productivity in society,” whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil.

Health care by definition involves life and death decisions. Human rights and human dignity must be at the center of any health care discussion.

Yep. Obama isn't limiting himself to palling around or forging birth certificates, he's into bureaucratic mass murder now too. At this point our only hope is that this woman comes face to face with Gozer the Destroyer, because the only thing that will shut her up is a 85 foot tall sound clip of the dumbest possible thing anyone could say.

Movie Pre-Review- Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Well, folks, the new Transformer movie comes out tonight, which it is time for me to regale you with facts about a movie I haven't even seen.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the much anticipated sequel to high-throttle...you know what? Screw it. If you think this movie needs any explanation outside of Big Booms then you should probably stick with going to see The Proposal for a third time and waiting for Prince Charming to come along and whisk you away...or at least to wipe the popcorn butter off your chin, fatty.

So here are some basic numbers from to the new Transformers:

Shia Lebeouf's "No" Count: 213 (this does not count words with "no" in them, such as when he says "It's a good thing that nobody has knowledge of me on my knees to get this job after my illustrious career that was Even Stevens")

The over-40 Movie Reviewers who will complain about the noise: 5,142

The over-40 Movie Reviewers whose opinion Moviegoers care about: 3

The Explosion to Dollars Spent ratio: 694:1.50

The "They Will Make a Third Movie" Percentages: 198%

The amount of times Bay will rotate a camera around a room: 84

The number of nerds crying after Revenge of the Fallen doesn't win a technical Oscar: 811,402

The people who will be surprised when Optimus Prime dies: 7

Amount of people kicked out for masturbating anytime Megan Fox is on screen: 7

So there you have it folks. Everything you need from a Michael Bay movie. Except for the catch phrase. And that's how you review a movie. From now on, you review movies just like that.

Sal's Chest Hair Ratings: 1/2 Happy Trail and 1 Nipple Hair

Song of the Day: Madcon - Beggin'

R.I.P. Ed McMahon

Ed McMahon, best known as Johnny Carson's sidekick for 30 years, passed away early this morning at the age of 86. Ed was also a comedian, game-show host, and a WWII Marine Fighter Pilot. I can only imagine that someone up there is getting a big check from the Publisher's Clearing House right now.

Not to get too sappy, but when I think of Ed, two things come to mind. The first, sitting with my parents in the family room watching Johnny and Ed do what they did so well, and enjoying every second of it.


The second, is how gracious he was to Phil Hartman in his portrayal of Ed, another moment in TV that will stick with me. You will be missed, sir.

Bill Maher Was Right

In case you haven't seen it, Bill Maher recently took a jab (or six or seven) at President Obama and his apparent desire to maintain popularity and its effect on his leadership. Now, I'm not foolish enough to believe that there is an immediate fix to most of our problems, and I think Maher is playing up on that a bit, but the facts are the facts. And for the most part, he's dead right. See Lousiana, it's ok to disagree with a black man without a rope and a flaming cross involved!

Bill Maher Jabs Obama During "New Rules" - 6/12/09



Bill Maher Discusses His Comments w/ Wolf Blitzer - 6/17/09

Baseball Players Have No Marbles...

The latest story of injury out of the MLB is that pitcher Kyle Farnsworth is out for a while after his dog bit him, with the bite reportedly "going deep enough to hit a tendon but not tear it." (Insert your own going deep and not tearing joke here).

Seriously, your dog bit you? YOUR dog? Just one look at sports sites shows that the MLB is clearly full of porcelain babies, hurting themselves in a variety of ways that would make pre-Anne Sullivan Hellen Keller laugh.

-Running into a wall
- Stiff neck
- Slipping on the kitchen floor
- Turning a lamp switch on too hard

You never hear about these kind of things in other sports. Hell, Tiger Woods walked 91 holes with a torn ACL and nary said a word. But a baseball player has too much pulp in his orange juice and its out for 15 days. I haven't seen this many grown men cry since NAMBLA found out the Suite Life was cancelled.

America Is Ridiculous...

In a move that will surely result in half of unemployed degree-holders in the U.S. invest in a gun, one bullet and a lot of Windex, LG hosted its annual Texting Championships, handing $50,000 to a 15 year old girl from Iowa. As the story goes:

This year's champ, 15-year-old Kate Moore of Des Moines, Iowa, took the title, but her path to victory was not without some serious obstacles. Literally.

LG, in a nod to texters' dangerous tendency to multi-task, forced contestants to run an obstacle course while sending difficult-to-type messages, and compose tongue twisters while being taunted by a giant emoticon. We can't make this stuff up. The event climaxed in a tie-breaker, with Moore and runner up Dynda Morgan, a 14-year-old from Savannah, Georgia, furiously texting this behemoth SMS:

"Zippity Dooo Dahh Zippity Ayy...MY oh MY, what a wonderful day! Plenty of sunshine Comin' my way....Zippitty Do Dah Zippity Aay! WondeRful Feeling Wonderful day!"

Moore beat her younger competitor to the "send" button, and walked away with $50,000 for her troubles -- and a life-long excuse for not putting down her phone during dinner.

I can only imagine that after this girl is done blowing $50,000 on Twilight underwear from Target and High School Musical 3 ringtones, she will only have to look forward to every boy in school begging for an HJ. Who cares if she looks like Kelly Clarkson's fatter little sister, magic fingers are magic fingers.

Song of the Day: Pete Yorn - Undercover

The True Story Behind Everyone's Favorite Little League

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Ochocinco Wants to be Carson Palmer's Balki

In a move no one expected, nor cared about, Chad Egotisticalbastard has announced he is moving in with his QB Carson Palmer. Chad explains that he expects to become closer to Palmer and develop chemistry to get the season started, finishing by saying, "Plus dem white folks is craaazy!!!!"

Don't be surprised if Ochocinco is in cuffs soon because some Cincinatti police officer went all Minority Report having known a black man would invade a good white home. More to come...

Obama Shows His Pimp Hand

President Obama reminds us he will not tolerate minor annoyances and interruptions when he speaks. And then he treats that fly like Bill O'Reilly treats a fact: he erases its existence and moves on.

Song of the Day: Ash - Burn Baby Burn

Football Is Murder

Literally, if you're Donte Stallworth:

MIAMI -- Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte' Stallworth took full responsibility for killing a pedestrian while driving drunk in Florida and began serving a 30-day jail sentence Tuesday after he pleaded guilty to DUI manslaughter.

Stallworth also reached a confidential financial settlement to avoid a potential lawsuit from the family of 59-year-old Mario Reyes, according to Stallworth attorney Christopher Lyons. Reyes was struck and killed March 14 by Stallworth, who was driving his black 2005 Bentley after a night drinking at a swanky hotel bar.

Stallworth, 28, told Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Dennis Murphy that he hopes to get involved in drunken driving education programs.

"I accept full responsibility for this horrible tragedy," said Stallworth, who was accompanied at the hearing by his parents, siblings and other supporters. "I will bear this burden for the rest of my life."

Stallworth faced 15 years in prison. After his release from jail, Stallworth must serve two years of house arrest and spend eight years on probation.

The NFL has said it will review the matter for possible disciplinary action. Lyons said the plea agreement will allow Stallworth to resume his football career.

Stallworth must also undergo drug and alcohol testing, will have a lifetime driver's license suspension and must perform 1,000 hours of community service. Lyons said after five years, Stallworth could win approval for limited driving such as for employment.
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Listen, kudos to Stallworth for not running away and owning up to the fact that he made a grave mistake. Good thing he had a cool couple million to pay off the family and resolve this matter. Any normal person would spend the next 15 years of their life wondering if there's a rotating door in his ass.

Seriously, Big Jake is gentle but the man is insatiable in his needs.

Her Big Day Is Almost Here...

Emphasis on the big. This woman expects her bridesmaids to be over 2oo pounds or they don't get in. I assume it is so she will appear to be a luxurious 198. Here's to hoping the church has double doors, a reinforced altar, and someone to remind them that communion is not Latin for buffet.

Poor Taste Runs In The Family...

Umm...yeah. I got nothing.

Song of the Day: Paper Route - Carousel

People A Bus Should Hit: Wendy Partillo & The St. Lucie County School Board

Democracy Is Alive!!! A Florida teacher, Wendy Portillo, who had her class vote out a child with Asperger’s Syndrome, has been voted back into her job by the St Lucie County School Board. Oh righteous day.

In May of 2008, Ms. Portillo conducted a reality TV-like exercise in which 5 year old Alex Barton was forced to stand in front of the class while his classmates listed reasons they didn’t like him. Alex was referred to, among other things, as “disgusting” and “annoying.” The class then took a vote to exclude Alex from the class, with a final tally of 14-2 voting in favor. Alex was forced to leave his class and spend the rest of the day in the school nurses’s office. As a result, Portillo was suspended from teaching for one year without pay and her tenure was revoked.

However, Portillo appealed and the St. Lucie County School Board decided Wednesday to affirm her suspension, which lasts until November, but reinstate Portillo’s tenure upon her return. Portillo is guaranteed a teaching position with the school district at the end of her suspension, reports WPTV, the West Palm Beach, Fla. NBC affiliate.

Barton reportedly has not returned to school since the incident. His mother has said that he is so traumatized that she cannot drive past his former elementary school without Alex screaming and begging not to be made to go back to school.

Now we only have to wait for the vote from the Holocaust Denial and Sugar Tits Appreciation Society on whether Mel Gibson is actually justified in his hatred of the Jews. Seriously, I haven’t heard of a decision this ridiculous since my left hand denied my right hand access to my Megan Fox picture library.