Well, folks, the new Transformer movie comes out tonight, which it is time for me to regale you with facts about a movie I haven't even seen.Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the much anticipated sequel to high-throttle...you know what? Screw it. If you think this movie needs any explanation outside of Big Booms then you should probably stick with going to see The Proposal for a third time and waiting for Prince Charming to come along and whisk you away...or at least to wipe the popcorn butter off your chin, fatty.
So here are some basic numbers from to the new Transformers:
Shia Lebeouf's "No" Count: 213 (this does not count words with "no" in them, such as when he says "It's a good thing that nobody has knowledge of me on my knees to get this job after my illustrious career that was Even Stevens")
The over-40 Movie Reviewers who will complain about the noise: 5,142
The over-40 Movie Reviewers whose opinion Moviegoers care about: 3
The Explosion to Dollars Spent ratio: 694:1.50
The "They Will Make a Third Movie" Percentages: 198%
The amount of times Bay will rotate a camera around a room: 84
The number of nerds crying after Revenge of the Fallen doesn't win a technical Oscar: 811,402
The people who will be surprised when Optimus Prime dies: 7
Amount of people kicked out for masturbating anytime Megan Fox is on screen: 7
So there you have it folks. Everything you need from a Michael Bay movie. Except for the catch phrase. And that's how you review a movie. From now on, you review movies just like that.
Sal's Chest Hair Ratings: 1/2 Happy Trail and 1 Nipple Hair
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