The Only Thing Worse Than "Twilight" Is a Hungarian Enema...And Other Ramblings

Want to know how your movie is the worst thing to happen to pop culture since Macaulay Culkin decided to hang out with older guys?

Win an MTV Movie Award...or 23 of them. Nothing says Validity like a bunch of tweens fresh off of crying through the last episode of "Made: I Want To Be The Next Girl Taken Advantage Of By The Backup Quarterback" voting for your movie.

Needing to understand this phenomenon, and as a man who only deals in principle and fact, I did what any person who needs facts would do. Wikipedia. Twilight is the story of a girl and a vampire boy who dabbles in stalking while reprising his role as...wait. Are we seriously that hard up for mediocre literature since Harry Potter off and knocked up that ginger kid's sister?

The only thing emptier than Twilight's plot was O.J.'s hand after he dropped the knife. If I wanted a story of a legendary group of villains losing their balls I would read the story of the 2004 Yankees. And yes, by balls I did mean testicles.
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Lebron James recently solidified his reign as King James by losing in the Eastern Conference Finals and bolting to the locker room immediately. When asked about his hasty retreat, he claimed he had to because "He is a winner." The last time someone named King James confused the people this much, the Gutenberg Press made a ton in royalties.

Sure, the NBA and NHL are providing tons of drama as they narrow down to their respective championships, but let's not forget the most important of all sporting events that recently "went down."
The Scripps National Spelling Bee. And with that...

Since when did the Midwest become New New Delhi? There were so many Indian kids on stage that, when asked to use the word pungent in a sentence, the judge said "The smell of curry in this place is so pungent, I can't breathe."

I can only imagine the amount of words I could spell if I had 54 consonants in my name as well. Unfortunately, all these kids won was a chance to look better than the lone nerdy, white home-schooled kid. That's like Michael J. Fox bragging about beating an aftershock on the Richter scale.

When will Shandaverishkitalpalpindar Pondarakitopolafordilankajarshebosh learn that the only way to fame is through American game shows? Then and only then will you reach your undeserved 15 minutes of fame. Now don't you have (insert random setting) to group dance at before monsoon season?