Song of the Day: Bob Schneider - Madeline

Stephen Jackson Is Confused

Stephen Jackson is done with the Warriors. In an interview with Dime Magazine, Jackson stated: "At this point, I'm 31 years old. I have four or five years left. "I want to be in a situation where I can continually be in the playoffs and get another ring. So that's where my mind is at now."

Ok, I get it so far.

" Golden State Warriors forward Stephen Jackson says he has requested a trade and prefers to be dealt to the Cleveland Cavaliers or any of the NBA's three teams in Texas."

All right, he's on the border of being a ring-chaser, but it could be worse.

Jackson said he would be open to returning to the Spurs but would also welcome a trade to the Dallas Mavericks or Houston Rockets.

Ummm...

He also mentioned Al Harrington's New York Knicks.

Wait. I think its safe to say that Stephen Jackson officially has Athlete's Alzheimer's. It's also safe to say that that was witty alliteration. I can allow Dallas, as Cuban is trying to make moves. But Houston is in a bit of a quandry and the Knicks are...well, the Knicks. I'm more likely to win a championship for "Most Irrelevant Blog" before New York wins anything other than Spike Lee's disdain. What's next, Stephen? You want to be traded for a few more million because you are worried about your family? I know, it must be rough eating Prime Rib on authentic China and then using the dishes as hockey pucks because, hey, you can afford it.

It's like the great Red Auerbach said, "Shut the fuck up." Or maybe that was Young Jeezy, they are so easily confused. Much like you when it comes to the term "contender."

Soc-karate

I have a large group of friends who claim that soccer is boring and has no merits that make it worth watching. But when's the last time you watched a member of the Baltimore Raven's last few minutes on earth because he ran a fumble into his own endzone? Or better yet, how often does Ralph Macchio's stunt double end the game with a handshake Chuck Norris would be proud of?



Thanks to The Sporting News for the video.

Michael Jordan's Still Got It

(courtesy of The Hoop Doctors)

Michael Jordan, at the ripe old age of 46, gives Streetball star Chris "The Ghetto Bird" Young a a close up look at the fact that he hasn't quite lost his touch. No news on whether the Oklahoma City Thunder have asked him to suit up yet.

Song of the Day: Fleet Foxes - Mykonos

Rumer Willis Is A Natural Beauty

In what appears to be Bruce Willis' second attempt at destroying the world by creating something hideous (the first being Hudson Hawk, obviously), he has allowed his daughter Rumer to not only grow up but to leave the house.

Seriously, the only explanation for how ugly she is is that Demi Moore's vagina is actually a taffy puller that broke up this demon spawn's exit.

I'm Out Of Commission

So I am a recent victim of a "bug" that has forced all liquids and solids to abandon ship. But I will be back in full force tomorrow. For now, enjoy these clips that sum up my day.

Lady GuyGuy?

Lady Gaga, the biggest succubus in the music industry at this moment, is finally catching up to hers...um, I mean himself? Rumors are spreading across the internet that she is actually a he. Well, to be accurate, she is a he/she. The wildfire spread after a concert in Glastonbury:



It has even commented on this speculation, stating:

"Its not something that I'm ashamed of, just isn't something that i go around telling everyone. Yes. I have both male and female genitalia, but i consider myself a female," she reportedly wrote in a blog back in December 2008.

"I think this is a great opportunity to make other multiple gendered people feel more comfortable with their bodies. I'm sexy, I'm hot."

As talentless and ugly as she is, this wouldn't surprise me in the least. Because honestly, the only time I've ever really paid attention to Lady Gaga was the moment she tried to steal the ring back from Frodo.

Sarah Palin Is Nucking Futs

One thing Sarah Palin hasn't quit is being a maverick. Of course, this is only true if you define maverick as parading your down syndrome baby around as an example for why the government wants to kill him and your grandma. In a facebook post, Palin wrote:


The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s “death panel” so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their “level of productivity in society,” whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil.

Health care by definition involves life and death decisions. Human rights and human dignity must be at the center of any health care discussion.

Yep. Obama isn't limiting himself to palling around or forging birth certificates, he's into bureaucratic mass murder now too. At this point our only hope is that this woman comes face to face with Gozer the Destroyer, because the only thing that will shut her up is a 85 foot tall sound clip of the dumbest possible thing anyone could say.

Movie Pre-Review- Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Well, folks, the new Transformer movie comes out tonight, which it is time for me to regale you with facts about a movie I haven't even seen.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the much anticipated sequel to high-throttle...you know what? Screw it. If you think this movie needs any explanation outside of Big Booms then you should probably stick with going to see The Proposal for a third time and waiting for Prince Charming to come along and whisk you away...or at least to wipe the popcorn butter off your chin, fatty.

So here are some basic numbers from to the new Transformers:

Shia Lebeouf's "No" Count: 213 (this does not count words with "no" in them, such as when he says "It's a good thing that nobody has knowledge of me on my knees to get this job after my illustrious career that was Even Stevens")

The over-40 Movie Reviewers who will complain about the noise: 5,142

The over-40 Movie Reviewers whose opinion Moviegoers care about: 3

The Explosion to Dollars Spent ratio: 694:1.50

The "They Will Make a Third Movie" Percentages: 198%

The amount of times Bay will rotate a camera around a room: 84

The number of nerds crying after Revenge of the Fallen doesn't win a technical Oscar: 811,402

The people who will be surprised when Optimus Prime dies: 7

Amount of people kicked out for masturbating anytime Megan Fox is on screen: 7

So there you have it folks. Everything you need from a Michael Bay movie. Except for the catch phrase. And that's how you review a movie. From now on, you review movies just like that.

Sal's Chest Hair Ratings: 1/2 Happy Trail and 1 Nipple Hair

Song of the Day: Madcon - Beggin'

R.I.P. Ed McMahon

Ed McMahon, best known as Johnny Carson's sidekick for 30 years, passed away early this morning at the age of 86. Ed was also a comedian, game-show host, and a WWII Marine Fighter Pilot. I can only imagine that someone up there is getting a big check from the Publisher's Clearing House right now.

Not to get too sappy, but when I think of Ed, two things come to mind. The first, sitting with my parents in the family room watching Johnny and Ed do what they did so well, and enjoying every second of it.


The second, is how gracious he was to Phil Hartman in his portrayal of Ed, another moment in TV that will stick with me. You will be missed, sir.

Bill Maher Was Right

In case you haven't seen it, Bill Maher recently took a jab (or six or seven) at President Obama and his apparent desire to maintain popularity and its effect on his leadership. Now, I'm not foolish enough to believe that there is an immediate fix to most of our problems, and I think Maher is playing up on that a bit, but the facts are the facts. And for the most part, he's dead right. See Lousiana, it's ok to disagree with a black man without a rope and a flaming cross involved!

Bill Maher Jabs Obama During "New Rules" - 6/12/09



Bill Maher Discusses His Comments w/ Wolf Blitzer - 6/17/09

Baseball Players Have No Marbles...

The latest story of injury out of the MLB is that pitcher Kyle Farnsworth is out for a while after his dog bit him, with the bite reportedly "going deep enough to hit a tendon but not tear it." (Insert your own going deep and not tearing joke here).

Seriously, your dog bit you? YOUR dog? Just one look at sports sites shows that the MLB is clearly full of porcelain babies, hurting themselves in a variety of ways that would make pre-Anne Sullivan Hellen Keller laugh.

-Running into a wall
- Stiff neck
- Slipping on the kitchen floor
- Turning a lamp switch on too hard

You never hear about these kind of things in other sports. Hell, Tiger Woods walked 91 holes with a torn ACL and nary said a word. But a baseball player has too much pulp in his orange juice and its out for 15 days. I haven't seen this many grown men cry since NAMBLA found out the Suite Life was cancelled.

America Is Ridiculous...

In a move that will surely result in half of unemployed degree-holders in the U.S. invest in a gun, one bullet and a lot of Windex, LG hosted its annual Texting Championships, handing $50,000 to a 15 year old girl from Iowa. As the story goes:

This year's champ, 15-year-old Kate Moore of Des Moines, Iowa, took the title, but her path to victory was not without some serious obstacles. Literally.

LG, in a nod to texters' dangerous tendency to multi-task, forced contestants to run an obstacle course while sending difficult-to-type messages, and compose tongue twisters while being taunted by a giant emoticon. We can't make this stuff up. The event climaxed in a tie-breaker, with Moore and runner up Dynda Morgan, a 14-year-old from Savannah, Georgia, furiously texting this behemoth SMS:

"Zippity Dooo Dahh Zippity Ayy...MY oh MY, what a wonderful day! Plenty of sunshine Comin' my way....Zippitty Do Dah Zippity Aay! WondeRful Feeling Wonderful day!"

Moore beat her younger competitor to the "send" button, and walked away with $50,000 for her troubles -- and a life-long excuse for not putting down her phone during dinner.

I can only imagine that after this girl is done blowing $50,000 on Twilight underwear from Target and High School Musical 3 ringtones, she will only have to look forward to every boy in school begging for an HJ. Who cares if she looks like Kelly Clarkson's fatter little sister, magic fingers are magic fingers.

Song of the Day: Pete Yorn - Undercover

The True Story Behind Everyone's Favorite Little League

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Ochocinco Wants to be Carson Palmer's Balki

In a move no one expected, nor cared about, Chad Egotisticalbastard has announced he is moving in with his QB Carson Palmer. Chad explains that he expects to become closer to Palmer and develop chemistry to get the season started, finishing by saying, "Plus dem white folks is craaazy!!!!"

Don't be surprised if Ochocinco is in cuffs soon because some Cincinatti police officer went all Minority Report having known a black man would invade a good white home. More to come...

Obama Shows His Pimp Hand

President Obama reminds us he will not tolerate minor annoyances and interruptions when he speaks. And then he treats that fly like Bill O'Reilly treats a fact: he erases its existence and moves on.

Song of the Day: Ash - Burn Baby Burn